Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything
by Aquamarine Columbine
Summary: Even the Espada need entertainment. That's why Ulquiorra started this 'wisdom-book' to pass the time. Featuring entries from all in Las Noches. ABANDONED.
1. Prologue

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**.  
**_**Date: **17/09/09 / **Updated: **14/02/10

**Summary: **Even the Espada need entertainment. That's why Ulquiorra started this 'wisdom-book' to pass the time. Featuring entries from all in Las Noches.

**Characters: **Everyone in Las Noches.

**Pairings: **None.

**Spoilers: **Only if you don't know who all the Espada are…

**Disclaimer: **…consider yourself lucky I don't own it.

**~Prologue~**

I am not sure exactly what prompted me to start this book in the first place. I suppose it is because even I, the most disciplined of the Espada, become bored at times, seeking some entertainment. I am certain that I am not the only member of Las Noches who becomes restless, and therefore I decided to start this: _The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything. _A wisdom-book, if you like.

If you happen to come across this book, and you obviously have as you are reading this, then I ask you to add a bit of information, advice, or even a rant in here. (I believe humans have a means of sharing useless, though entertaining, long-winded speeches about nothing in particular. They call it LiveJournal.)

However, if you wish to put something that would be classified as…_inappropriate _(yes, I am looking at you, Nnoitra) then do not put in here.

As always, being the control-freak that I know I am, there are a few rules.

1. At the start of an entry, tell us how you came across this book.

2. When you finish putting in an entry, leave the book somewhere where someone will find it.

3. If you find this book, you _must_ put something into it. Otherwise, this is the only piece of writing that will ever end up in it. (Fact: I find that most Espada would not even brush their teeth unless they were forced to.)

4. Absolutely NO profanity.

5. Do **NOT** (note the bold and capitals) edit, deface, vandalise, or graffiti any part of this book. This includes previous pages which have already been filled in. "Commentary" is banned.

6. As a general rule of thumb, put only entries in here that you would be willing to show to me.

7. Refrain from talking about the location of this book to anyone else; it ruins this concept of 'fun' that comes with it. Along the same lines, do not put your name with your entry either. Some of the more pea-brained Arrancar may gain amusement from guessing who wrote what.

Also, this book is not strictly for the Espada, and any lower-ranking members of Hueco Mundo are welcome to put something in. Espada simply looked better on the cover.

I am not certain how many entries will fit inside here, so if need be more pages will be added.

It is regrettable that I have to put so many warnings, but I feel this is necessary, knowing the Espada. Hopefully this will get the message through: break the rules and I will find you. And hurt you. I also feel obliged to add that there is a tracking device with this book, in case someone decides to _accidentally _lose it.

That is all I have to say; may the pages of this book be filled with the wisdom of all of Las Noches.

~~U. Schiffer.


	2. Stay On the Right Side Of The Law

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**.  
**_**Date: **17/09/09 / **Updated: **14/02/10

**~1~**

**Stay On The Right Side Of The Law **

In order to make your time at Las Noches as comfortable as possible, it is advisable to follow all orders and rules, unless you are seeking to loose a few limbs e.g. your left arm. This is not recommended. From what I gather, said process is very painful – though not what I would call undeserved.

It also helps your reputation. If, for example, a lower member of the Espada tries to annoy you, you can just say, "I am going to tell Aizen-sama." This will normally work to get rid of the offending Espada, though it is ineffective on some members.

In some cases, it will hinder rather than help. You may become known as, "Aizen's Pet," "Mr Doom and Gloom," "Stick up the backside," or any number of derogatory nicknames. Of course, I don't care what others may think of me.

Besides, it is simply _easier _to obey orders. Don't you people enjoy being alive? Is there some flaw in the Espada that they seem to be suicidal maniacs? Am I the only sane one, other than Mr Sleepy and SharkWoman?

Disregard that, One and Two-sama.

I understand, though, that the concept of obedience may be hard to grasp, seeing as the average intelligence of the Espada is slightly higher than your common ape. Tsk, did I say that out loud?

Either way, staying on the right side of the law can help if you are inclined to be the pranking type. If, for example, you were to sneak catnip into a certain Espada's tea, causing them to become hyperactive (theoretically speaking, of course) the last person who the blame would fall on would be you. Not that I'd know from experience.


	3. No 1 Essential: Self Control

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**.  
**_**Date: **27/09/09 / **Updated: **14/02/10

**~2~**

**No. 1 Essential: Self Control**

So I woke up this morning and stepped outside into the corridor, only to trip over a book that just _happened _to be so _conveniently_ placed right outside my door. _Thank you very much, _Emo-jerk.

_May the pages of this book be filled with the wisdom of all of Las Noches. _Honestly! Who writes like this anymore? Ulquiorra does, duh.

Whoa, whoa, Ulqui has a sense of humor? Well damn. Who would've thought that somewhere in that head of his he's got a brain cell that isn't programmed to, "Aizen-sama, Aizen-sama, Aizen-sama"?

What advice have I got to give? It's about self-control.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, what kind of demented hypocrite _is _he, to put _this _in?

Simply put, I'm not a hypocrite at all.

Okay, okay, I admit this may sound slightly unjustified...but seriously, don't you wonder that I haven't tried to poison Ulquiorra yet? Or poke Nnoitra's eye out? Yeah, exactly. See that? That's _real _self-control.

Contrary to popular belief, I have a surprising amount of it. You have to, to put up with that bleeping man who calls himself Lord Aizen. Not to mention his two henchmen without eyes.

Hey, you ever wondered about that? Gin has no eyes but he can see, and Tousen has eyes but can't see. How the hell does that work?

And 'hell' is not a swear if it's supposed to be a place.

Anyways, back on topic. Self-control. It is a number one MUST in Las Noches. Nobody likes the feeling of losing an arm and being demoted. That's when I decided I had to get a hold of my anger – and trust me, counselling really helps (especially if the councelling involves use of ceros on lesser Arrancar).

From that moment on, even though I had the temptation to attack that blind ba…thmat whenever I saw him, I made do with glaring and/or swearing. There are a lot worse things than losing a limb, though I can't say I wasn't glad to get it back.

Well, I suppose that's it. If you don't have any self control, then get some. Naturally, you don't want to have a large amount of pain inflicted onto you. Unless, um, you're some sort of masochist, to which I can only say: Welcome home! You've come to the right place.


	4. 5 Things Not To Do If You Want To Live

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**.  
**_**Da****te: **11/10/09 / **Updated: **14/02/10

**~3**  
**Five Things Not To Do If You Want To Live**

Aww, Ulqui-chan, you're no fun. But really, innappropriate? What kind of sick person do you think I am? Wait, don't answer that.

Well, Grimmjow ran past and threw this book in my face; it doesn't _quite _fit the criteria 'leave it where someone will find it…'

N.B. Espada's Guide is painful.

Anyway, my words of wisdom. _Five Things Not To Do If You Want To Live;_ also known as _Five Things To Do If You Want To Die, The Five Times I Nearly Died_ and _Five Ways To Suicide, Making It Look Like Murder._

1. Sneak into Szayel's lab

_Even though he ain't the strongest, this creepy freak has any number of poisons and __kami__-knows-what in that hellhole of his that he calls a lab._

_Now, normally I don't mess with Gumball-san, but seriously, haven't you ever wondered what he keeps in there?_

_The next time you have that thought, jump on it, tie it up and kill it 'till it dies._

_Had a migraine for three weeks, and temporary case of violent food poisoning. At least he wasn't in a bad mood. _

2. Mention Ichigo in front of Grimmjow

_Easily the most touchy Espada when it comes to the Shinigami brat. _

_All, and I _mean _all, the Espada enjoy winding Grimmjow up. Sometimes I think Aizen tells Tosen to do it on purpose._

_Left several burn marks on my arms. Uniform almost entirely burnt off. Large, unsightly bald patch. Tesla accidentally got caught in crossfire: that's how he got _his _eyepatch._

_Grimmjow also bears a grudge against Tousen. Don't mention the blind dude either. Trust me._

3. Mess up Ulquiorra's room

_That is, if you can get into his room in the first place. Ulquiorra is thoroughly OCD, and also extremely paranoid, ever since the case with the tea… _

_For the record, this wasn't my idea – it was Grimmjow's, but I beat him to it just to annoy him. _

_Large stab wound at base of neck. Big, unsightly scar until I got Pet-sama to remove it. _

4. Tamper with Aizen's tea

_There is only one thing more scary than angry Aizen, and that's angry Aizen acting calm and un-angry. When he's like that, then you have no idea what the hell he's gonna do._

_Possibly the most stupid thing I have done in my entire life (and that's sayin' something) I have no idea why I did it._

_Was forced to drink the tea._

5. Taste Orihime's cooking

_I tell you, it seemed like a nice idea at first. Aizen was quite happy to allow her to cook for us; at least, until she served up mashed potatoes with tomato sauce, alongside mint cucumber-cabbage tea. Dessert? It was some sort of soup. I think it was boiled beetroot with honey and milk. _

_In my defence, it _looked _nice._

_At least I wasn't the only one who nearly died._


	5. Keeping One’s Opinions to One’s Self

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**. **_

**Word count: **398

**Date: **25/10/09

**Summary: **Even the Espada need entertainment. That's why Ulquiorra started this 'wisdom-book' to pass the time. Featuring entries from all in Las Noches.

**Characters: **Everyone in Las Noches.

**Pairings: **None.

**Spoilers: **Only if you don't know who all the Espada are…

**Disclaimer: **Iay on'tday ownay eachBlay.

**~4~**

**Keeping One's Opinions to One's Self**

Before I start, I must say that this is a very good idea. Kudos to you, Ulquiorra – I was getting bored of watching my Fraccion fight over who was going to serve me tea.

Anyway…someone had put this book inside the cereal box – who knows why.

If you are someone who has a tendency to mouth off, then I suggest you do not come to Hueco Mundo. Many of the Espada are quite sensitive, especially Aaroneiro.

Me, personally, I have a tendency to say the most brusque things at extremely inopportune moments. This is why I wear a rather high collar – to remind myself not to mouth off.

For example: once, I told Nnoitra that he looked like a paedophile – poor guy had to go into counselling for three months. Kami, did I feel guilty.

Another time I admitted to my Fraccion that Mila-Rose was my favourite – it took me half a year to convince them that they were all equal.

See the problems? The age-old saying is true: if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Or at least say it in a way that isn't brutally cutting.

Suppose you are one of those people who just can't help but state your opinion? I find that it helps if you picture the person as a gibbering wreck. Consider carefully what you are about to say, count to ten, and it should be fine. Unless you really _do_ want to cause permanent emotional trauma.

**

Eh...I'm not as happy with this one. Halibel is hard to write...

I didn't want to do this...I _really_ didn't want to do this but...please, _please, _ideas people! I'm _begging _here. I have a grand total of two-ish, and you don't want me to put this on hiatus, right?


	6. How To Wake A Sleeping Espada

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**. **_

**Word count: **372

**Date: **26/11/09

**Summary: **Even the Espada need entertainment. That's why Ulquiorra started this 'wisdom-book' to pass the time. Featuring entries from all in Las Noches.

**Characters: **Everyone in Las Noches.

**Pairings: **None.

**Spoilers: **Only if you don't know who all the Espada are…

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach, but I _do _own bleach! Actually, no, but my mum does! That's gotta count, right?

**Author's note: **I have no excuse for the month-long delay. I _could _say that I've been working on NnoiNel stuff, but I forgot to do that...don't worry, I'm _not _on hiatus, I've just had little to no inspiration to write at all for a long time. Oh wait...

**~5~**

**How to Wake a Sleeping Espada**

According to Stark, sleeping is an art. According to me, knowing how to _wake _a sleeping Espada is a very special art too.

I found this book under his pillow. It's my chance to share this important knowledge with everyone. Believe me; you will need to know this.

1. Make sure he is asleep. Sometimes he may be just resting, and you don't want to annoy him. Trust me. You don't. Unless you're me, but you not. So seriously, don't.

_Signs that he is asleep:  
_- Drooling  
- Snoring  
- Mumbling etc.

2. Make sure there is no way you yourself can get hurt. Cero and Bala can really hurt, so you might want to get some safety equipment. Otherwise, get a lower Fraccion to do the next few steps for you. If so, make sure you are standing around five feet back.

3. Gently wake him up. Make sure he doesn't get angry. You can do this by shaking him, or tickling his feet. Note: Stark is _very_ ticklish. Don't do anything violent yet. For reasons unknown, Stark is violent when woken roughly a first time, but never a second time.

_NOTE: If Stark Becomes Violent:_

You might have done it on accident. You might have done it on purpose. You might just be an idiot. But if you've done something to make Stark form a glowing ball of light, run. Don't stop, don't think, and don't worry about the worthless Fraccion cowering in terror. Just run.

4. When he rolls over and goes back to sleep, which he will, you can get as violent as you like. This is a good replacement for anger-management classes. Jump on him or yell in his ear. For a fail-proof method, try both at the same time. Though not if you're Yammy.

5. Make sure he stays awake. Tickling is very useful here too. Other things work too, like yelling "SZAYEL SPIKED YOUR TEA!" or "THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE AGAIN!"

Sometimes it's just easier to stop him from going to sleep in the first place. We gave Stark coffee once, though I think we gave him a bit too much. Is five cups too much? Because he didn't sleep for a week…a never-before-seen occurrence.

**

Do I _really _need to put who wrote this in? And other news: OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF THE RANDOMEST BLEACH PAIRING- TeslaXLilynette! If anyone manages to write a good TesNette (don't ask...) then they will be forever regarded as awesome. Alright, I'll shut up now.


	7. The Key to a Perfect Fraccion

**The Espada's Guide to Life, Hueco Mundo and Everything**_**.  
**_**Date: **14/02/10

**~6~**

**The Key to a Perfect Fraccion**

Welcome, one and all, to what is likely to be on of the most intelligent entries in this book.

Today I am writing to talk about a seldom-discussed and often ignored subject: fraccion. Ah, yes – those loyal, disposable Arrancar who we privileged Espada can torture for our own sick amusement.

Or is that just me?

Anyway, I have often received queeries regarding the exact _flavour _of my edible Fraccion. Let me say now that they all, in fact, have their own different flavour.

I have long since perfected the art of Fraccion-cuisine. Take any one of my Fraccion and you will find that each has their own unique taste. Lumina tastes like chicken, while Verona has a sweet-chilli flavour.

Every now and then I get requests from my fellow Espada to create flavoured Fraccion for them, and, once, to make a _current _Fraccion chocolate flavoured. (I do not disclose names.)

As a matter of fact, I am considering starting a small business that sells edible Fraccion in Pez-like dispensers. Once the FracPill™ makes contact with the air, it expands into a fully sized Fraccion with the flavour stated on the pack. Ready to eat in seconds!

For more information on FracPills™, contact Szayel Aporro Granz at:

S.A. Granz  
Room 8, Laboratory Wing  
Las Noches  
Hueco Mundo

***

_Nonono, put that DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT! OH SH-_

Alright. I admit that having..._modified _Fraccion does have its downsides. Erm...limited intelligence being one. This can - er, excuse me for a second -

_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S HCI? IDIOT!_

_And NOW I'm gonna have to make ANOTHER of you! YOU LOT ARE USELESS!_

As I was saying, this can be quite a hindrance if, for example, you rely on your Fraccion for assistence during a particularly complicated operation, as they have a tendency to zone out and not watch where they are goojdoijoijoisdjetnkejokj;ltajdfdaffad

_Alright, new rule - NOBODY BUMPS ME WHEN I'M WRITING! IN FACT, ALL OF YOU STAY THE _HELL _AWAY FROM ME! PERSONAL BUBBLE, PEOPLE! _

_Okay, okay, calm down Szayel. They're gone now. It's alright. You're in your room, far away from them all. That loud crash coming from inside the lab has nothing to do with...oh._

_WHAT THE **** HAPPENED HERE?! WHY IS THE LAB ON FIRE? WHAT DID YOU DO? THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY IN HERE GETS TO DIE! Excluding me...YOU'RE ALL USELESS!_

_Much, much later:_

The bottom line, people. Unless you're prepared to suffer very horribly, don't modify Arrancar so that they're edible and then use them as your Fraccion. Get a nice, _normal _Fraccion, like...like Tesla. Or...Halibel's Fraccion. You know, the ones who argue constantly over _freakin' tea _for Chrissakes, I mean _seriously, _it's _tea, _who _cares _whether you use bags or leaves or...

Actually, be like Ulquiorra.

Don't get any Fraccion.

**

I really need to stop making so many AN's...anyway, thanks for all the ideas everyone, and no, this story is not abandoned...I'm just...a horrible procrastinator. I'm also going through and replacing the chapters in here, fixing them up etc. 'cause I'm just cool like that *cero'd* Anyways, the Prologue to Nnoi's chapter (4) have all been replaced.

Thanks again to all!


End file.
